I'm in love

I recently purchased a new tv from amazon.com. Well, first I purchased it from Best Buy, but then a bunch of people told me I was a fat idiot and got ripped off. So I dutifully went back to Best Buy to return the damn thing and then promptly bought it from amazon where I ended up saving a boatload of cash.

I'm still waiting for the tv to be delivered, but I did get my PS3 today. Oooh, it's so sleek and shiny. I took it out of the box, carefully unwrapped it, and then proceeded to stare longingly at it for a while. I spent about an hour reading all the manuals that came with it. I also got a game with the unit (Metal Gear Solid 4), so I spent time reading that manual too. As I read the literature, I gently stroked the console. It's so smooth and silky. I love my PS3!

I just wish I could plug it into something.

Poo and Peter Pan

So I'm hanging out with my bestest friends EVER on the other side of the bay this weekend. They have a three year old son and a little newborn baby daughter.

I love these kids. I just met the baby for the first time, and I think she gave me the baby sign of approval. While I was holding her, she made a big explosive shizznit right in my lap. Leaked through her diaper onto her pants. Thank God not onto my jeans.

Incidentally, this is the second time that's happened to me. A couple months ago, my coworker brought his newborn son into the office. I was holding the little dude in my lap and he was just chilling out, staring at his parents who were sitting across the desk. Suddenly, all at the same time: I hear a loud ffrrbbbrroaawwwrrrbbbssshhhh, I feel the pressure of a jet engine shoot into my lap, and I smell the fragrance of baby poop. It was quite the sensory overload, and we all burst out laughing. It happened on the same day that Senator Palpatine called me up screaming on the phone. I guess it was my day to get shit on.

So anyhow, I digress. Even though it's my favorite subject, I didn't mean to talk about poop. I need help answering a 3-year-old's question. My friends' have this awesome little boy. Let's call him Helmet. I was hanging out with Helmet's family this weekend. After dinner we were going upstairs when his mom reminded him he had a question to ask me about Peter Pan.

So Helmet looks up at me with his innocent eyes full of wonder, holds up his hand and says, "Aunty Jackhole, you know Captain Hook? What was his name before he lost his hand?"

Um...

Uh...

Well...

Hmm...

Dang, I had no answer for the dude. I'm usually good at making stuff up, but this time, I think it would've been easier if he'd just taken a dump on me too.

Am I a creepy weirdo?

I spent about an hour today in a chat room with three kids who are all in sixth-grade. It was awesome. People at work don't recognize the value of my humor, but these kids knew how to appreciate my jokes (about poop, burps and farts). I was supposed to be proofreading a legal research memo, but instead I was online talking to kids.

Wow, that kinda does sound creepy.

Does it make it better if these kids invited me to their chat room?

What if one of the kids was my niece?

I'm a dirty bitch

Recently I had to figure out what I would do about cleaning out my old apartment to get back as much of my security deposit as possible. There was a bit of an internal battle I had to get past.

Argument 1: I am an attorney at a big firm making the big bucks and working for an ultra-demanding high-powered partner. My time is worth too much to be wasting on this. Whatever dollar figure they deduct from my security deposit for cleaning, I could probably make back in the time I spend taking a dump in the office (Stay out of stall 4, ladies. It's mine.). Cleaning? That's NOT how I roll.

Argument 2: Me Chinese! Must get all my moneys!!!

Being legally trained, I was able to quickly identify the more logical and compelling argument.

So, last night I had to go back to the ghetto ass apartment to clean it so I could get back as much of my measly security deposit as possible. I figured I'd drive up after work, it would take a couple of hours, and I'd be able to get home, put on another free show (take a shower) in my fishbowl house, and be in bed by midnight at the latest.

Unfortunately, I didn't take into account the fact that apparently, I'm a filthy, loathsome beast. That apartment was sooo gross and took forever to clean. I don't know how I lived there for so long. It took me over 5 hours just to clean up.

Allow myself to disgust myself.

Ok, back to billing.

UPDATE 06/13/2008: I got my whole deposit back, and it feels damn good.

Free show tonight at my place

Moving day has been a success so far. I'm in my new place right now,
huddled on the floor in a corner of the master bedroom. All of my
lights are off. I have no internet access yet. No phone either. No
tv. This blackberry is my only connection to the world.

Everything is still in boxes, and I'm creeping from one room to the
next, using only the light of my blackberry to guide me.

I'm living in one of those new communities where the houses are right
up against each other.

I have no curtains so I must live in darkness. Except some things I
don't know how to do in the dark.

I'm going to go take a shower now. I hope my neighbors enjoy the show.

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Goodbye, City

It's my last night in my apartment. No more views like this from my living room window.