Rest in Peace
My dad passed away this weekend.
I never got to say goodbye. I never got to thank him for all the sacrifices he made for us. I never got to cuss him out for all the shit that he did to us. I never got to really understand him. So now I'm left with a sense of loss, a lot of misdirected anger, and a ton of unanswered questions.
I believe the healthy thing to do is to focus on the happy memories I have of him. Unfortunately, I only have bittersweet thoughts about my dad. He was a goofy, silly, funny guy, and was always playing with us and entertaining us as kids. But I can't recall happy events without triggering a feeling about how frigging sad and hurt I was when he left. I wish I could separate the thoughts in my mind, but after years and years, my brain seems to have rewired itself. Now each memory of him being a good dad seems to be connected to a feeling sadness and loss rather than one of comfort and happiness.
I think I need electroshock therapy or something.
I never got to say goodbye. I never got to thank him for all the sacrifices he made for us. I never got to cuss him out for all the shit that he did to us. I never got to really understand him. So now I'm left with a sense of loss, a lot of misdirected anger, and a ton of unanswered questions.
I believe the healthy thing to do is to focus on the happy memories I have of him. Unfortunately, I only have bittersweet thoughts about my dad. He was a goofy, silly, funny guy, and was always playing with us and entertaining us as kids. But I can't recall happy events without triggering a feeling about how frigging sad and hurt I was when he left. I wish I could separate the thoughts in my mind, but after years and years, my brain seems to have rewired itself. Now each memory of him being a good dad seems to be connected to a feeling sadness and loss rather than one of comfort and happiness.
I think I need electroshock therapy or something.
posted by Jacqueline A. Whole at
10:14 PM
4 Comments:
So I guess I'm going to piggyback on top of your blog Jen...
My memories of Dad are somewhat, um, diverse...heh! But I will tell you this, I learned alot from him. Some Good, and some bad. But I have great memories of him. I wish I had more, but I am grateful to him for the joy he brought us and the Joy he brought our family. I am especially grateful that he got to meet his Granddaughter and that they got along so well. Kylie has only good memories of him, and that is what matters to me in the end.
I wish we had more time with him, but we'll see him on the other side...you can bet on that! Love you, and thanks to all our friends who have expressed their condolences...it means alot to us!
:(... [hug]
"a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,"
With all the laughter you generously provide, the least we can do is mourn with you. You're in our prayers.
sigh. we're with you and mourn with you and we'll remember the good times with you.
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