Bah Humbug

I took my mother to the mall today because she needed to do her Christmas shopping. Here are some things about my mother:

1) As the oldest of four children, she was the first to immigrate to the U.S. and eventually brought her entire family over here;
2) She raised 3 children on her own;
3) She owns her own home and has lived alone for the last 10+ years;
4) She travels the so frequently that she had to request additional pages in her passport b/c she ran out of space for all the stamps;
5) She wrote a book which got published.

So she seems pretty independent, right? Well, here's another thing about her:

6) She's completely incapable of shopping alone. This means she just won't do it unless someone goes with her.

Here's something about me:

1) I hate shopping, especially with my mother.

It's not that I don't like her company. I would just rather do ANYTHING ELSE other than go shopping with her. It's all about efficiency, or the lack thereof...she just doesn't know how to make a decision. Today, every store we entered, it would take a gabillionzillion minutes for her to make up her mind about ONE item. I don't want to name the stores lest I give away hints about what people are getting for Christmas. So I'll use code names.

First we went into "Victoria's Shh-Don't-Tell-Anyone" to get my brother's gift. My mother knew what she wanted to get for him, so we looked at that first. But then we had to take a few days to look at EVERY SINGLE OTHER item in the store before she went back to the first item. Then it took another few weeks to decide what size and color. The place was crowded as hell, and people kept jostling past us, grabbing for the sale items, and moving in and out of the store. Oh, here's another thing about me:

2) Crowds of people make me feel claustrophobic, anxious, and irritable.

By the time we paid in that first store, I was wasted away and ready to go home.

We went to a few more stores to get gifts for the rest of the people on her list. And I could slowly feel myself going insane from trying to swim through the sea of shoppers as I drowned in the noise of the crowd. I'm pretty sure I died at least once because I remember going towards a tunnel and a bright light. It was very quiet and peaceful, and I remember feeling happy to have escaped the mall. But then suddenly I felt like I was being yanked back. I tasted something cool, tangy and sweet in my mouth. It was so refreshing, and I wanted more. I opened my eyes and at first thought I was in hell. But it was worse. To my dismay I was alive and well, and sitting in the food court.

Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick Lemonade, people. The miracle that can save a life that doesn't want to be saved.

Anyhow, after resurrecting me, my mother wanted to keep shopping. The same process described above happened a few more times...I think. I don't really remember anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm in my late sixties by now and somehow my memory has faded with age.